100 Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts
by Shylee Taregan
Summary: What does one do when given a list of rules one must not break? Why, break them, of course! A series of drabbles based on a very long thread.
1. Marijuana, Ligers, and Lucky Charms

**100 Things I Am Not Allowed to Do At Hogwarts**

**Author's note.** Okay, so Potterheads everywhere have probably heard these, seen these, wanted to get in touch with the creators of these. I've been researching them for days and have come up with only one viable solution: I am going to write a drabble fanfic based on them. Yes, here's what would happen to our dear friends Harry, Hermione, Ron, Luna, Neville, Ginny, Fred, and George had they gotten their hands on this list and decided to go out with a bang. Read and review, if you please.

* * *

**King's Cross**

_Harry: -holding a piece of paper- Oi…Ron! What do you think this is? _

_Ron: -looks at the paper- Looks like a whole lot of words to me._

_Hermione: -appears at their shoulders, quickly scanning the page- Oh wow. It looks like a list of rules! –eyes light up-_

_Harry & Ron: -rolls eyes at each other- _

_Ginny: Hey, what are you lot up to now?_

_Hermione: -brandishes the paper at her- Doesn't this look interesting? I've never seen these rules in Hogwarts, A History, or any…where…else…BUBBLES!?!?! –turns scarlet- _

_Ginny: -blinks- What? Let me see! –grabs the paper and scans it- Oh…oh wow…-bursts into laughter- WE SHOULD SO BREAK THESE!_

_Hermione: -looks at her as though she's committed a great evil- _

_George: And what's this? –grabs the paper- _

_Ginny: Harry had it. It's a list of rules. _

_Fred: -scoffs- Rules? For what? –reads it- _

_George & Fred: -glance at each other- Excellent! _

_Harry: -blinks- So are we going to break these…?_

_Hermione: -frets- They can't possibly be real rules…_

_Ron: -shrugs- Get off it, Hermione. Might as well have a bit of fun. _

_Hermione: Oh…I don't know…_

_Ginny: It'll be fun, Hermione. Be spontaneous. We'll even ask Luna and Neville to help us. Between the eight of us we'll have a right good laugh. _

_Harry: -grins- So we'll start right away. _

* * *

**Rule number one: **No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

"Oi! 'Ello Harry. Good summer, I hope?" Hagrid beamed as his class tramped their way down from the castle.

Harry smiled back. "Yeah. Yours too?" Hagrid grinned.

"You be'! I've got a grea' selection fo' this year, wait 'till you see 'em, you're gonna love 'em."

Harry looked at Hermione and Ron. Ron nodded gleefully, and Hermione looked slightly mortified. Harry smiled and muttered under his breath, "CRIKEY! I have no fear of losing my life - if I have to see a giant or a thestral or a hippogriff or a snake, mate, I will see it."

The class stared.

"Because when snakes strike it can be that quick that if they're within range, you're dead, you're dead in your tracks. And his head weighs more than my body so it's WHACK!"

* * *

**Rule number two: **Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology.

"Come on, Neville…it'll be an excellent extra credit project!" Fred beamed at the portly boy.

"Yes, and we would pay for the best of what you grow," George added.

Neville looked dubious. "But…er…I don't know what mary wanna is…"

Fred and George looked at each other. "We don't either, mate, but Harry told us that it gives you a right trip in the head."

* * *

**Rule number three:** I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.

"Hagrid," Ginny said breathlessly as she stopped near his pumpkin patch. The gamekeeper looked at her with a smile. "We need you to get these animals, Hagrid, they're extremely important to an extra-credit project Luna and I are planning on doing for your class!" She handed him two pictures, one of a lion and one of a tiger.

Hagrid blinked, then beamed. "I'm gla' yer lovin' the class, Ginny, makes me right proud, it does. I'll get right on this…they look so fluffy."

* * *

**Rule number four:** I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore."

"You got it?"

"It's right here." Fred unveiled the sinister-looking quill from his cloak, smirking as he did so.

"I am proud to call you my twin," George said reverently. "Now…for the unsuspecting victim…Ah! Smith! Do come here a moment?"

Zacharias Smith looked up from where he had been about to join his house table to eat lunch.

"A galleon," Fred told him, "if you'll use this in Trelawney's class." Fred handed him the quill.

Smith looked at it for a moment. "What's it supposed to do?" he asked suspiciously.

"Reveal to you the teacher's mind," George lied easily. "All you have to do to initiate it is write, 'I told you I was hardcore.' Otherwise it's just a simple quill."

* * *

**Rule number five:** I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful."

"Potter!" Professor Snape snarled as Harry hurried into the classroom. "Fifteen points for being late. Nothing is more important than being on time for my class."

Refraining from snarling right back, Harry said quite calmly, "Sorry, Professor, I was giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful after Quidditch."

* * *

**Rule number six:** Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

Professor Flitwick was left wondering why his students were incessantly repeating the phrase "polishing my wand" during his class, though he was very proud of their care and attention to said wands, and awarded each of them points for good wand sanitation.

* * *

**Rule number seven: **I am not allowed to cackle whenever practicing magic. Real wizards don't get it.

Harry hated this rule the moment he was forced into it, as the moment he began cackling loudly and very evilly over his cauldron, every student in the room gave a start, and Professor Snape awarded him with a week's worth of detention writing lines: "I will not cackle over my Potions cauldron, as it is distracting and senselessly stupid."

* * *

**Rule number eight:** Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

Professor Morganne stared at her strangest student, Luna Lovegood, after having forced the girl to put out her pockets after she was spotted smuggling something into them. A large amount of galleons and a crumpled piece of paper were what she found.

_Professor Morganne's Fate_

_Trampled by Centaurs – S.F. H.P. G.W._

_Crushed by Grawp – H.G. R.W. F.W._

_Suffers insanely from WWW – G.W. A.J. C.C. _

_Eaten by a Crumple-horned Snorkack – L.L._

Morganne paled.

* * *

**Real number nine:** I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

As per usual, when Snape had given his instructions, Hermione Granger's hand shot into the air.

"Professor—Professor, please, it's important!"

Snape's right eye twitched very slightly. "Granger, if it is another inane question…particularly of the likes you have been asking me for the past week…I would prefer if I did not have to spend every Saturday in detention with you until the end of the school year."

"But, professor, it's a perfectly valid question!"

"What is it?"

"Will this project be suitable for use as a sexual lubricant?"

It amazed Snape that he could truthfully answer yes.

* * *

**Rule number ten: **Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms."

"Hearts, stars, and horseshoes!" Ginny sang.

"Clovers and blue moons!" The Weasley twins chorused.

"Pots of gold and rainbows!" Harry chimed in.

"…And me red balloons," Seamus muttered quietly.

Ron gaped at Seamus. "HE'S AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS!"

* * *

**Author's Note.** Well, what did you think? Not bad for a first try, maybe? Flames welcome, but only in the form of constructive criticism. 


	2. Thongs, Balls, and Pointy Hats

**100 Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts**

**Author's Note.** Well! This little ficlet just got way more reviews than I dared to hope for! Thank you times a billion to you all for upping my writer's self-esteem. xD To those with pressing questions, I sincerely hope you got my answers; to everyone in general, I love you very much. Here are the next ten (I'll probably finish this drabble with ten rules per chapter). Enjoy!

**Disclaimer. **Own Snape? If I owned him, dearies, I would not be reduced to writing fanfictions about him.

Do enjoy.

* * *

**Rule number eleven:** I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class. 

Under the table, Harry shook the Magic Eight Ball furiously as Trelawney approached.

"Well?" she prompted in her reedy voice. "What can you divine from your crystal ball today, my dear?"

Harry glanced under the table and was just able to make out the words that the Ball showed him.

"It is certain," Harry told her firmly.

"What is certain, dear?"

He shook the ball again. "As I see it, yes."

"As you see what?"

Shake. "Ask again later."

"I beg your pardon?"

Furious shake. "Better not tell you now."

"Potter, you are spewing gibberish!"

Shake, shake. "Signs point to yes."

"Signs? What signs?"

"Concentrate and ask again."

"Potter!" Trelawney spotted the orb. "What is this?"

Harry glanced at Ron, who had stuffed a fist in his mouth to keep from laughing.

"Er…my…Remembrall?"

"…You need help remembering what the crystal ball divines?"

Harry glanced at the ball in her hands. "Don't count on it."

* * *

**Rule number twelve:** I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a Room" when they start to fight. 

"It was utterly brilliant, 'Mione, you should have seen it!" Ron said happily in the Common Room.

Hermione narrowed her eyes. "It was a pointless trick and now Harry's in detention with two different teachers!"

Ron shrugged. "It was worth it to see the look on the dragonfly's face."

"Ron! Trelawney is not a dragonfly!"

"Yes she is! How can you defend her? She's like an enormous praying mantis come to 'divine' our deaths every which way she can." Harry and Ron snorted.

"Just because you don't like her doesn't give you—"

"Oi! You're the one who's always harping on about how she's a right old fraud!"

"She's still a teacher and should be treated with respect!"

"How much respect can she have earned if you, Miss Walking Encyclopedia, of all people, walked out on her class!?"

"That's not the point and you're completely–"

"WILL YOU TWO JUST GET A ROOM AND SHAG EACH OTHER THERE!?"

* * *

**Rule number thirteen:** I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is. 

Poor Professor Vector spent four sleepless days, aided by a handy draught of _Nondormire_ brewed by Professor Snape, trying to figure out the problem that Granger, his best student, had begged him to help her with.

It was the first time in his entire life that he had ever failed to answer an Arithmancy problem, and he was never the same again.

* * *

**Rule number fourteen:** Calling Lucius Malfoy a "Luscious Mouthful" is just plain gross. 

"He's absolutely dreamy," Romilda Vane murmured.

"That he is," Angelina Johnson agreed, trying not to gag on her words. "He's so…handsome."

"With all that long, golden hair," Ginny added, enjoying herself far too much.

"And that height."

"And wealth."

"He's suave and debonair."

"And a luscious mouthful," Ginny blurted out.

They turned to her, wondering how the hell she would be able to make that deduction.

"Well, why do you think he takes pains to point out that I'm the only girl in my family?"

"Oh, _ew_," said Katie Bell.

* * *

**Rule number fifteen:** There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong. 

If Fred had not been destined to die, perhaps Harry would have been a bit angrier, seeing as how the only way to break rule number fifteen was to cut Harry's heirloom cloak in the shape of a thong. This he wore as he stalked around the Common Room, frightening and disillusioning the first years who thought he had been dismembered (literally) by Professor Dumbledore (as Fred and George told them he had been).

* * *

**Rule number sixteen:** Asking, "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and then walking away is only funny the first time. 

Harry, infuriated by the Gryffindor jibe, walked clear up to Malfoy in the middle of the Great Hall at dinner.

"Malfoy."

The boy, shocked that Harry would have the gall to talk to him at all, stared at him.

"How do you keep a bouncing ferret in suspense?"

And he walked away.

* * *

**Rule number seventeen:** It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape that he takes himself too seriously. 

Snape was given to random impassioned speeches about Potions when his students were being particularly good (which, though rare, happened enough for it to be a repetitive gesture). And so he was extremely irritated when, in the middle of his speech, the following occurred:

"…never really understood what I meant when I said that the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes overcomes, as the delicate power of liquids creeps through human veins, bewitching the mind…ensnaring the –"

"Professor Snape," George Weasley suddenly called from the back. "You seriously need to chillax for a bit. Sit down. Have a cuppa."

* * *

**Rule number eighteen: **I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick. 

Ginny stood outside Dumbledore's office for an hour, naming every piece of candy that she could come up with, for the gargoyle would not let her pass. Upon finally being admitted (largely due to the gargoyle's phenomenal annoyance), she was sorely disappointed to find that the pointy hat trick involved her Headmaster's hat, a Chocolate Frog card, and an extremely long, silver object that looked ominously like something Fred and George used to "clean house."

* * *

**Rule number nineteen:** I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?" 

Minerva McGonagall, being a pureblooded witch, had never heard of the muggle singer Tom Jones, though the implication of the song was not lost on her when the four Weasley siblings and Harry Potter broke into a rousing chorus as they entered the Great Hall for breakfast.

* * *

**Rule number twenty:** I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter. 

_Harry: -looks offended- It's not as if you know the outcome of my life! _

_Ron: -after having been told what 'life insurance' is- Well, you've had more close calls than the Chudley Canons have had fumbles, mate. _

_Harry: -dryly- I'll thank you not to jinx me anymore than you have._

_Ron: -looks confused- I haven't jinxed you…_

* * *

**Author's note.** Well, the next ten are up. I think I did a better job than the first, ne? Tell me what you think! 


	3. Thunderclouds, Ponies, and Staffs

**100 Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts**

**Author's Note.** Yay. The next ten rules are here.

Btw…

**Disclaimer.** Yes. I own Harry Potter and everything about him. I'm richer than the queen of England, I command the respect of a multi-billion-fan empire, and I'm a helluva good writer. True story.

Sue me. I dare you.

* * *

**Rule number twenty-one: **A drawn on thunder cloud scar over my left eyebrow does not mean I am Harry Potter's evil twin. 

With extensive persuasion, Fred managed to convince Colin that the "scar" – drawn in a Wizard Wheeze brand of eyeliner to look more authentic – made them indistinguishable twins, and, since Harry was the one destined the destroy Voldemort, Colin would have to play the one destined to annoy Harry in every way possible. Evilly, of course.

* * *

**Rule number twenty-two:** "Potter 6, Voldemort 0" is not a valid T-shirt slogan. 

Overnight, Fred and George's advertisement went up in all four houses (no one ever figured out how), including the teacher's lounge:

_We Know The Outcome Of This Match!_

_Get your "Potter 6, Voldemort 0" t-shirts from the Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes owl-order catalogue! Available now!_

_Show your support of the Boy Who Fought And Escaped You-Know-Him More Than Six Times! (B.W.F.A.E.Y.K.W.M.T.S.T. for short)_

The ensuing howlers and detentions were memorable enough to go down in future copies of _Hogwarts, A History_.

* * *

**Rule number twenty-three:** Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters. 

"That's just bang out of order, mate," Ron told Harry with a shake of his head.

"It's true, though," Hermione said thoughtfully. "A well-aimed sniper could hit a Death Eater before he even knew what was coming. Though, of course, guns are supremely louder and far heavier than wands."

Ron stared at her.

"It doesn't take much skill to handle a gun though, really…just pull the trigger…Wands require far more mind and body work, there's a lot more skill and concentration needed. Any muggle could probably be dispatched to murder a Death Eater given sufficient incentive to do so…"

"You want to kill more than twenty of the most vile, loathsome, cruel, conniving creatures in the universe by _shooting them_!?"

Hermione looked unfazed and shrugged. "It's highly efficient."

* * *

**Rule number twenty-four:** I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony." 

When Lavender and Parvati figured out what they were up, they threatened everything but giving him in to Voldemort himself if he so much as pointed his wand at Firenze or called him _anything_ along the lines of a "little pony."

* * *

**Rule number twenty-five:** Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammar school with him, is NOT Yoda in disguise. 

Dean stared at Dobby as he excitedly bobbed up and down in the Common Room, wearing an odd assortment of hats and socks.

"Wearing socks why are you?" he asked.

"Ah! Potter's little friend we've found!" Ron cut in, snorting between words.

"Interesting you have become, the socks we see on you, Dobby," Dean told him.

"Yoda you must be. Talk like him you do."

Dobby stared at them with huge eyes.

"Dobby is thrilled, sirs, that Harry Potter's Thumb and Wheezy speak to him so! Thrilled he is! Dobby has heard of your greatnesses, he has, but your kindnesses he has not…such an honor…"

* * *

**Rule number twenty-six:** I will not pay Peeves to rewrite the school anthem. 

When McGonagall heard the "new" Hogwarts school anthem, she was more than a little enraged and threatened all of Peeves's co-conspirators with expulsion if they ever introduced Peeves to anything beyond what the Poltergeist was usually wont to do. Including new and colorful swear words.

_Hogwarts, Hogwarts, ickle snickle Hogwarts,_

_Teach us something please,_

_Whether we be fat ol' snots,_

_Or prostitutes on our knees,_

_Our bums could do with filling_

_With some big, long stuff,_

_For now they're bare and full of air,_

_Dead poop and bits of fluff._

_So teach us things worth knowing,_

_Not this crap we'll have forgot;_

_Teach the best, forget the rest,_

_Or you can eat my snot!_

* * *

**Rule number twenty-seven:** Recording a remix of "It's a Hard Knock Life" using the house-elves as vocal backing is not funny. 

Dobby looked extremely unusual dressed in a black hoodie and over-large black sweats with fake, silver, galleon-sized amulets around his neck and black shades that failed to cover the whole of his enormous eyes, giving him a decidedly mischievous look. The other house-elves, whom Harry and Ron were afraid of giving clothes, stood behind him looking extremely anxious but eager to please all the same. In their hands were muggle brooms, buckets, mops, and squeegees.

"Okay, on the count of three," Ron told them. He tapped a conductor's baton on the wooden table. "One, two, three!"

"_It's a hard knock life for us, it's a hard knock life for us; 'stead of treatin' we get tricked; 'stead of kisses, we get kicked; it's a hard knock life!_"

* * *

**Rule number twenty-eight:** I will not follow Potions instructions in reverse just to see what happens. 

Snape had a field day in his fourth- through sixth-year classes, as almost every student seemed to have thought it to be a grand joke to follow his instructions in reverse. The ensuing explosions were enough to rock the dungeons. Every student in each class, guilty or no, was required to stay behind taking turns reciting in loud voices, "I am a student of Hogwarts School, but an idiotic and blundering dunderheaded buffoon."

* * *

**Rule number twenty-nine:** I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has a Knob on the End." 

And so, during the Halloween Feast in October, the first-years of Gryffindor and Hufflepuff house put on a rousing performance, complete with singers, dances, and exceptionally questionable-looking props that so resembled phalluses that Professor McGonagall was forced to give them all an extremely stern talking to and individual recommendations to see Madam Pomfrey for further information on the sexual subject.

* * *

**Rule number thirty:** is not necessary to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points from Gryffindor. 

"Ten points for being an insufferable little know-it-all."

"BURN!"

"Five points for being five minutes late, Mr. Weasley."

"BURN!"

"Twenty points for failing to heed my instructions, Mr. Potter."

"BURN!"

"One hundred points from the next house _per person_ to shout out that word!"

"…Iced."

* * *

**Author's Note.** W00t! Didja like? I had fun writing this one. No idea why. xDD 


	4. Broomsticks, Knuts, and Sexy Beasts

**100 Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts**

**Author's Note.** Your reviews, guys, make my day. In all seriousness. I adore them to no end. And I love you guys so much. Thanks a gazillion.

I'm also terribly sorry about the delay. But seeing as how I'm also writing **Medians and Curves** (forgive me for pimping my own story), I need time to write both this and that. **Medians** is my baby. And this is my child. So anyway…

And I was C2-ed! In a community known as Simply Scrumptious Stories, and I'm incredibly proud. Right. So.

Yeah. Enjoy. xD

* * *

**Rule number thirty-one:** I am not allowed to sing "Holding Out For A Hero" whenever Harry Potter enters the room.

Harry poked his head around the corner to see if anyone was there, sighed in relief when he spotted no one, and walked down the hall only to be so startled that he literally fell right on his bum when a large group of Gryffindors burst out of a classroom to serenade him with, "We need a hero! We're holding out for a hero 'till the end of the night! He's gotta be strong and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from fight!"

* * *

**Rule number thirty-two:** If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"

The former Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was, though a half-blood, not muggle-born, and so did not understand why Harry had responded to him the way he had when asked for some juice, nor did he understand why he was then required to "huff and puff and blow" Grimmauld Place down.

* * *

**Rule number thirty-three:** Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.

"Oh, look, there's Harry Potter again, he really is quite a nice boy, very handsome too…" Luna's dreamy voice drifted across the Quidditch Pitch as Harry pelted toward the Snitch. Behind her, Lee Jordan and Professor McGonagall looked at each other, aghast. She seemed to come to her senses as the Snitch was caught and Harry did a victory lap with his team.

"It's 250 to 110 to Gryffindor, and always remember, dears: Save a broomstick, ride a wizard!"

* * *

**Rule number thirty-four:** If a classmate is jingling the change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his Knuts."

_Jingle, jingle._

"Ron," Hermione growled, frustrated, "would you please stop that? Unlike some people, I'm trying to finish my Potions paper before it's due."

"Don't get your knickers in a twist, 'Mione," Fred smirked. "Let ickle Ronnykins play with his Knuts."

The common room roared with laughter.

* * *

**Rule number thirty-five:** "Beaters do it with Wood" is not funny, even if the only people who aren't laughing are the Weasley twins and Oliver.

Indeed, at the Hogwarts Reunion Quidditch Match, the giant flashing sign on the scoreboard did not bode well for its makers, as Fred and George were not quite so amused by the jibe that they wouldn't stuff a Carbonating Capsule up a wizard's rear—

Well, you get the idea.

* * *

**Rule number thirty-six:** I will not lock the Slytherin and Gryffindor first-years in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.

"GoGoGoGoGO!" Fred and George shouted as the last of the tiny first-years were herded by the fifth- and sixth-years into the Room of Requirement. The door shut with a bang as Fred conjured a stand in front of it, which they stood behind.

"Come one, come all, and be amazed! Today we engage in an All-Throw, No-Outs, Gryffindor vs. Slytherin Steel Cage – well, Steel Room – Death Match! Betting starts at two galleons to a team!"

* * *

**Rule number thirty-seven:** Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce" is not a good idea.

"Well if it isn't Potty and the Weasel come to grace us with their almighty presences," Malfoy sneered as the trio approached the Potions classroom. "And their mudblood slut, of course."

Though usually Hermione would ignore the jibe, she stopped and glared at him.

"What big words for such a _little_," her eyes darted downward, "boy. Why don't you make like a ferret and bounce."

She turned and vanished into the classroom.

* * *

**Rule number thirty-eight:** Yelling "Oh my God! It's the Clan!" when death eaters are coming to get you is NOT a lifesaving line.

"Mate, I don't even know what the Clan is," Ron sighed.

"How about the Village People?"

"No."

"The Beatles?"

"Erm…nope."

"The Mafia?"

"What are we talking about?"

* * *

**Rule number thirty-nine:** I will not change the Gryffindor password to "Draco Malfoy is a sexy beast."

And so Colin Creevey, Neville Longbottom, Seamus Finnegan, and the odd assortment of Gryffindors stood outside the Fat Lady's portrait trying to guess at the password, none coming even remotely close to it until Professor McGonagall forced it out of her, and was furthermore required to say it out loud.

* * *

**Rule number forty:** Telling Umbridge that cardigans are _so_ 2005 will get you in trouble.

As Lavender and Parvati exchanged giggles, gossip, and glances toward the front of the room, a glossy magazine between them, Umbridge was about to issue them a detention when Parvati's hand shot into the air.

"Erm…yes, dear?"

"Professor Umbridge, as a self-stylized fashion consulted, I think that it is my duty to inform you that cardigans, especially so pink and frilly, are _very_ 2005."

The look on her toad-like face was comparable to if she were choking on her own tongue.

* * *

**Author's note.** Blech. I didn't like this chapter very much. Except for the sexy beast one. Only because it made me laugh to think of our esteemed headmistress forced to say something like that. Can we say, child molestation charges?

Review, if you please.


	5. Doxies, Hearts, and Engorgio Charms

**100 Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts**

**Author's Note.** AHMYGOSH! So many reviews, I think I might die from happiness. You guys are too amazing for words. I utterly love you all.

I'd also like to give a sincere hand of thanks to coolgurl4eva for C2-ing me (A THOUSAND YAYS!) in Unhealthily Obsessed With Harry Potter. And to all my wonderful reviewers, I give you my sincerest thanks. You give me reasons to keep writing.

Anyway…you all know that I don't own Harry Potter, nor do I even own these rules (I do own a few, however). So why don't you read on anyway? xD

* * *

**Rule number forty-one: **"Accidentally" dropping Polyjuice potion with Luna Lovegood's hair in Snape's drink is a very unhealthy hobby.

But it was not without a summarily large amount of laughter that the Ravenclaw, an odd combination of scowling and dreamy on her fair face, stalked into the classroom and stood at its head, arms crossed. The struggling voice of the thirty-or-so-year-old Potions master emitting from the sixteen-year-old girl's small mouth did little to help the situation.

* * *

**Rule number forty-two:** Eating doxies will not make you high.

That, however, did not stop Fred and George from passing out some of their secret stash, courtesy of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, to eager fifth-years who needed a remedy to their headaches as a result of their up-and-coming O.W.L.s. It was quite hard to explain to Madame Pomfrey why so many were either passing out cold in the middle of classes or squeaking deliriously about their unyielding needs to fly.

* * *

**Rule number forty-three:** I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "time of the month."

Despite the werewolf's growing agitation and embarrassment, or perhaps because of it, the snickered comments over dinner, encouraged by Sirius, made several Order members not privy to his secret timidly approach him to ask if he needed Pepto-Bismol, tampons, or any other assorted products that one needs during "that time of the month."

Regardless, his ensuing tantrums only had them shaking their heads at his poor display of PMS-ing.

* * *

**Rule number forty-four:** I am not allowed to point out that turning on a flashlight is quieter and more efficient than saying "lumos."

While of course Hermione had thought of this on a number of occasions, she decided that voicing her opinions would only result in aggravated comments on her muggle upbringing and her inherent need to point out that their shortcomings were not so short at all.

At any rate, she believed it sent the message that muggles were not to be messed with. Let the wizards think their big-headed thoughts.

* * *

**Rule number forty-five:** Misspelling the word "serious" as "Sirius" on your potions assignments is not a way to make friends with your potions teacher.

And obviously that did not stop Fred and George from bewitching Ron's "spell-checking" quill to misspell the word without the writer's consent. Over Christmas break, they were regaled by their little brother with stories of how, after every essay, Snape would award him with detentions and snarky remarks, and how the Potions master had become especially fond of emphasizing the word _serious_ every time he said it.

* * *

**Rule number forty-six:** The Head Girl and Head Boy do not perform sexual favors.

Though the information was common knowledge, Ginny could do little to help her fits of giggles when Percy reminded her that he had once been Head Boy, and that he had done a better job than Hermione could do as Head Girl.

Ginny told him that she would finally die happy, knowing why his mouth was so big.

* * *

**Rule number forty-seven:** I must not charm little heart-shaped bubbles to pop up anytime Hermione and Ron look at each other.

This was the rule that Hermione had been most aghast about agitating, but her apprehension did not stop Fred and George from doing just that. Potions, suffice to say, was not a happy subject for the two, who had been forced together due to Harry's unusual inclination to partner with Neville.

Snape cleared the cauldron they shared and awarded them zeroes after he spotted the little bubbles wafting around them for the sixteenth time. Obviously they had no idea what they were doing.

* * *

**Rule number forty-eight:** I am not allowed to point out to Trelawney that astrology needs to be rewritten as Pluto is no longer a planet.

The big dragonfly submersed herself in bottles of cooking sherry when Harry vehemently pointed to a muggle article in _Popular Science_ that made a clear case for Pluto's newly-acquired non-planetary status. This would disrupt the cosmos at their most lurid, she decided. The universe would end. They were all going to die.

She gulped down another bottle of sherry.

* * *

**Rule number forty-nine:** Providing Engorgio charms to students that are... lacking... before the Winter Ball will make your Head of House most displeased.

Professor Snape, for the life of him, could not understand why the bulge in young Malfoy's front pockets was so huge, nor could he understand exactly why the boy could not pull whatever it was out of his trousers to be searched before being allowed in to the Winter Ball.

* * *

**Rule number fifty: **It is particularly cruel to convince the first-years that getting Professor Snape to laugh is considered extra-credit.

Neville dropped the hint to one youngster that Snape loved vulture-topped hats, and Harry made sure to mention that he thought wolf howls particularly laughable. Ron regaled them with stories of setting the Potions professor's cloak on fire, and most especially of "teasing" him about being denied the Defense Against the Dark Arts post, because, after all, Snape did not take it seriously.

* * *

**Author's Note. **Written in a particularly panicky fit of delirium. I was going stir-crazy with cabin fever and worry and school-to-come and I'm dying because summer's coming to an end and everything feels off and BLAH.

So now that I've vented my feelings, why not vent yours?


	6. JamEaters, Guns, and Vacuum Cleaners

**100 Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts**

**Author's Note.** I've decided to try my hand at what Kaitylen's suggestion to create the actual scene rather than the consequences. I'll see what the readers think.

Sorry about the immense delay, my friends! I've not forgotten **100 Things**, I've simply been busy with school. I've been ultra-busy as of late (the entire month past, really, but still). At any rate, here's a present due to utter boredom and need to update. And I'm slightly sick, too, so please bear with me.

Enjoy!

* * *

**Rule number fifty-one: **I will not switch the labels on the ingredient boxes in Snape´s storeroom. 

Harry shot a look over his shoulder as Ron chortled loudly, switching the labels of "Pickled Murtlap" and "Acromantula Venom."

"Quickly, Ron!" he hissed as Ron took entirely too much pleasure in tearing off the label of the "Syrup of Hellebore" and replacing it with "Congealed Salamander Eyes."

Echoing footsteps relayed to them an approach, and both boys darted for the invisibility cloak as Snape and his second-years entered the room.

"Today, you will be creating the Draught of Laughter, much to my chagrin. Collect the necessary ingredients and begin."

He waved his wand. On the board, among several other ingredients, appeared:

_Pickled Murtlap_

_Syrup of Hellebore_

* * *

**Rule number fifty-two:** I will not rearrange the letters in my name to something evil sounding. On this note, I am also not to get a group of followers and call them something evil. Along with the above, I am not to get everyone similar tattoos. 

"What about… Jeter Stop Marry Ha?" Fred said idly.

"_What_? No," Harry grumbled with the roll of his eyes.

"Top Jester Mary Rah?"

"_No_."

"Jar to Tap–"

"Give it up already," Hermione growled.

"No, we'll be The Rarey Jam Pot's followers, the Jam-Eaters. We'll have pots as our tattoos and everything."

"Drop it," Harry said through clenched teeth, slightly red.

"Not our fault you have a long name, mate," George sniffed.

* * *

**Rule number fifty-three:** I will not ask Professor Sprout were she hides the good stuff. 

"Am I going to discover why you four were sneaking around Greenhouse Three after hours?" Sprout asked Harry, Ron, Neville and Luna, somewhat warily.

"Well," Neville began slowly.

"You see," Ron continued.

"It's just that–" Harry started.

"We wanted to know," Luna said dreamily, smiling at Professor Sprout, "where the good stuff is kept."

"For medicinal purposes," Ron interjected quickly.

* * *

**Rule number fifty-four:** I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween. 

If the small, late group of cloaked, masked students did not immediately shock the Great Hall well into the first Halloween Dance, it was certainly the snake-like, white face of Seamus Finnegan in black robes and red contacts that threw the Hall into pandemonium and nearly had several students expelled, particularly when the only excuse they could come up with was that they had "accidentally imperiused" one another.

* * *

**Rule number fifty-five:** I will not bring a semi automatic weapon to Hogwart's for protection. 

"I can't believe you," Hermione squealed, pale as sheetrock.

"You're the one who said it was highly effective!" Ron said indignantly. "You'd be amazed at what muggles give away for a galleon or two…"

"You brought a gun…to a magical school…"

"A semi-automatic weapon, and it's for protection."

"You bloody wanker…"

"I got the idea from you!"

"Since when have you listened to me!?"

"GET A BLEEDIN' ROOM ALREADY!"

* * *

**Rule number fifty-six:** A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly. 

Madam Hooch blew her whistle and the two teams converged on her.

"What in the name of Merlin is _that_?" she growled at Harry.

"Well…er…I suppose it's a very sophisticated brand of Nimbus…" the Boy-Who-Lived said haltingly. "Very sophisticated…"

"Why's it making that god-awful noise?"

"Er…it's picking up magical dirt?"

"Magical…dirt…"

"Yes, you see…when players play dirty…the…er…Nimbus VC3 picks up on it…and er…sucks it right out of the game!"

* * *

**Rule number fifty-seven:** I will not drink Polyjuice Potion with Draco's hair in it and ask Luna Lovegood to marry me. 

"Bloody prat," Ron snickered, dropping the silver slivers of hair into the potion nicked from Snape's stores. It turned a shiny puke color. Ron made a face, toasted to Fred, George, and Harry, and drank it whole, barely stopping to check his transformation before he strode into the Great Hall before every single student of Hogwarts (save one, who was unconscious in a broom closet somewhere on the fourth floor), dropped down to one knee, and declared:

"Luna Lovegood, how I love your big, shiny eyes and your long hair that is almost as pretty as mine. Will you do my astronomical ego and I the honor of marrying my ferreting arse?"

* * *

**Rule number fifty-eight:** I will not write to Voldemort with requests to be second in command. 

"_Dearest Voldemort_…no, wait…_Dear Lord Voldywart_…er, no, that might get me killed…"

"Why don't you work on the body first?" George suggested. Fred shrugged, scratched out the greeting, and continued.

"_I solemnly swear that I am up to no good and only wish to do lots of evil things as your second in command. Do you accept? Signed,_ er…" Fred looked up. "Who do I sign it from?"

George blinked, then snickered. "_Signed, Y. U. R. Father_."

* * *

**Rule number fifty-nine: **It is strictly prohibited to dye anyone's robes pink. 

An investigation was pending, the house-elves had somehow been hoodwinked into silence, and no one was telling who had managed to dye every inch of black within the Slytherin dormitories a very vivid pink.

Suffice to say, the next day, several teachers could not help remarking on how badly the color contrasted with the green of Slytherin House.

* * *

**Rule number sixty:** I am not allowed to imply sexual innuendos with my answers in class, as it is very inappropriate. 

No one was quite sure what to expect with this year's Defense teacher, but it did not bode well for her when she gave them a verbal pop quiz to "test their knowledge."

"The three Unforgivable curses are…?" She pointed at Hermione.

"The Cruciatus, the Imperius, and the _Avada Kedavra_."

"And what does the Avada Kedavra curse do?"

Harry perked up and nudged Ron who, for possibly the first time in his life, raised his hand eagerly. The professor nodded at him.

"It does DEATH!"

The class cracked up.

* * *

**Author's Note.** Yes, well, I'm back from my month-long hiatus. So sorry about that. Junior year is a kick and a half. BLAH. It's hectic but I find myself enjoying it nonetheless. I really hope you enjoyed these ten rules, as I most certainly did. Review for cookies, please and thanks! 


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